Tonight I was playing with Devin and Catty said, "Oh! Daddy is calling on the phone!" and she ran to her toy phone and launched into a big long gabfest with her daddy: "Daddy! I can spell your name! D-A-D-D-Y! See? I spell your name!! And we have a new kitty named "New". He comes to our house at night because he is nocturnal. But YOU are not nocturnal, Daddy, you are diurnal like me! Scorpions are nocturnal. And frogs. And bats. But Mommy and Devin are diurnal. Oh and we found a snake. Him was dead. Soon he will go up to the clouds and you will have a snake! Do you like snakes Daddy? Ok, bye!" By the time Catty finished her "talk" with daddy, I was facing the wall, away from her, so she wouldn't see the tears just rolling down my face. I'm so very, very proud of my little girl. She's SO damn smart - she's THREE fer cryin' out loud - hasn't even started pre-school yet - and she can already read, write (She sat on the ground and wrote all those words out by herself with no help at all!), use a computer (she uses Word and Photoshop very well - changes fonts, colors, brushes, plus edits and prints things out all by herself!), and she can discuss topics that kids twice her age wouldn't have a clue about! (How many adults do you know who can use "diurnal" properly in a sentence? LOL!) I know Don would have been bursting with pride too over his brilliant and adorable little girl, but he got cheated out of seeing her grow up! He's missing out on all of the wonderful, special things she does! And my daughter is left talking to a Fisher-Price toy phone to share the news that she learned how to spell D-A-D-D-Y. *cry cry cry* So not fair. Not much more I can say about that.



10/21 - I just got finished spending the whole day with a film crew. They flew out to Utah to shoot me for a "Where Are They Now"-type movie they're doing with a number of retired pornstars like Randy West, Jasmin St Claire, Tiffany Million, John Stagliano, and many more. It should be quite interesting, actually - I know I enjoyed listening to the crew tell me what's happened to all my old co-workers. It seems like retired pornstars just disappear off the face of the planet, y'know? (Well except for that Asia Carrera chick who just can't stop her addiction to blogging, LOL!) The whole shooting day today was just such a pleasant experience. I really, REALLY enjoyed it. I haven't shot anything except that one depressing E! special in 5 years, but man, put a camera in front of me, and I'm 100% the professional again, saying ok, let's move me out of the shadows or the background will get blown out... let's be careful shooting out doors with this wind, it'll mess with the sound quality... I'll be in the middle of speaking on camera when a plane passes overhead, and I immediately stop talking mid-sentence until the plane passes, then restart my sentence from the beginning for a clean take once the plane is gone. I ran around changing wardrobe and jewelry without being asked, did my own hair and makeup (always have), made sure the A.C. and fish filters are off for clean sound quality, PLUS had to wrangle the kids. That's definitely a new experience - having kids to worry about on top of everything! And for a perfectionist like me, yikes - kids are a variable you just can't control! But I gotta hand it to them, they were just great. The whole crew loved the kiddos! Now it's all over, and I'm actually kinda sad. I feel great because the day went so very well, but I'm sad because I miss being part of a film crew family. I miss working hard and getting kudos from the director and crew at the end of the day. I miss working! I loved my job, I worked damn hard at it, whether it was making movies, doing interviews, public appearances, shooting layouts, whatever the task, I gave 110% and lived for the calls I'd get afterwards from directors/producers/photographers/etc saying what a great job I'd done. Being a mom isn't quite as glamorous or satisfying in that respect, y'know? Especially being a single mom - I have to do absolutely everything, and always do the very best I can, but there's not a whole lot of kudos coming from a 2 and 3 year old! (and from what I hear, when they get older, the job will become more and more thankless, DOH!!) Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids and wouldn't trade my life with them for the world. It was just a nice flashback today to be part of a happy working film crew again. I did my thing and did it well, and we all parted company happy with a job well done. I really enjoyed it. :o)



10/17 - I got a flood of emails today giving me a heads up about an MSN article on Celebrity Mensa Members. Thanks everyone! And a big huge shout-out to the eagle-eyed reader that spotted a reference to me 8 paragraphs down in a Time magazine story about Warren Buffett's new book! Then my loyal assistant me2 found this article, also about Warren's new book that mentions me by name right in the opening paragraph! WHOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! WARREN BUFFETT KNOWS I EXIST!!! And he thinks it's cool that a Mensa-member pornstar idolizes him!!! OMG, I can die happy now... *swoon* :oD



10/15 - Wanna know how bad my self-esteem is? About two weeks ago I posted a blog asking for some financial advice, right? Well I got like 2, maybe 3 responses. I was kinda puzzled about that, but I figured, "Oh well, I guess my time is up - I'm an old has-been now, and nobody reads my blog anymore!" *sniffle!* Fast forward two weeks, and people are emailing my assistant dictator and asking why I'm not responding to emails, if they've been put on spam filter, or what the heck is going on? Turns out, my main email address was down for several weeks, and I just didn't realize it! (I have several email addresses, and they all get fwded to one box, so I was still getting SOME mail every day and didn't suspect anything was up) So now the email problem has been fixed, and BLAM - now my mailbox is STUFFED with this HUGE backlog of emails, including a lot of people wondering what they did wrong and why I'm not answering their emails anymore. Hey, I thought it was YOU guys who didn't love ME anymore, LOL... I'm such a dork...



10/3 - So THIS was me sometime back in April or May. I was a Chunky Monkey - by far the heaviest I've ever been in my life. August 1st I got serious about cleaning up my act and getting healthy and fit again. Here's me today, 10 weeks later and 25 pounds less! Yay! I've still got a good 15 more to go, but I know I can do it! I bought myself a bikini and promised the kiddos a trip to Hawaii as soon as mommy isn't fat anymore! Catty's really excited about getting to fly on a plane and going swimming in the ocean. I'll try and get some bikini pics to share with y'all when the time comes - I can't wait to not be fat anymore!!! Being fat is SO not fun!! Pbbbbththttt!!! ;oP



10/1 - YAY!!! I accepted an offer on my old house today! WHOOHOO!!! And they did the house inspection BEFORE making their offer, so all systems are go! They've paid earnest money, and it is not contingent on mortgage approval, so I guess they're paying cash or they're pre-approved. YIPPEE!! Ok, now here's what I'm mulling over now - the house was fully paid off, thanks to some of Don's insurance money, so I'll be getting a check for a fair chunk of change soon. Under normal circumstances, I would go ahead and distribute the money around my portfolio of investments in the market, but with the way things are right now, I'm hesitant. I'm pretty sure our economy is going to get worse before it gets better, so I'm thinking I should find a safe place to put the money and earn a small amount of interest while I wait for the market to really turn into crap. When things are looking terribly bleak, then I can buy up heavily devalued stocks and wait for the market to turn around. I feel lucky that I've got this opportunity to buy into a bad market, and I want to take advantage of it the best I can! I'm pretty comfortable with investing in the market, but this business of finding a safe place to sit out the market for a while is new to me. I never paid too much attention to the most conservative of investments because, well, I was young and impetuous, with plenty of time to recoup losses, y'know? So now I guess it's time for a crash course in CD's, bonds, money markets, and savings accounts! Any financial professionals out there want to give me some advice?



9/28 - "Project Weight Loss" is going well. In 9 weeks I've lost 23.2 pounds, and 9% body fat. The depressing part is that I still have at least 10 lbs to go - 15 or 20 if I'm feeling really motivated. I've been working my butt off, quite literally! For the first 6 weeks I worked out three 40 minute sessions a day 7 days a week, mixing it up with biking, running, swimming, hiking, yoga, aerobics, strength training and Wii boxing. Now I've cut back to working out twice a day for 90 minutes total. When I bike, I pull a kiddy trailer, when I run, I push a double stroller, and when I hike, I carry 40-lb Catty on my back. I am stronger than I've ever been! When I first started working out, I couldn't run a mile without stopping. It took me almost 15 minutes to finish one mile! Today I ran 4 miles in just under 42 minutes - that's 10-minute miles, one after another after another! Whoohoo! My diet is low carb, low fat, high protein. Tons of lean protein. I owe it to Don for teaching me the right way to lose weight before he died - but I also owe my fat butt to Don because I gained so much freakin' weight after he died! So I guess we're even now, LOL!



9/18 - Well crap, talk about a lousy day... got a call from the agent who listed my old house, all in a panic this morning. Apparently vandals got into the guesthouse and used it as a clubhouse for smoking cigarettes and whatever else teenage delinquents like to do. They set fire to magazines and papers in the sink and shower, broke the toilet, left horrible burn marks all over the carpet, and trash everywhere. The place smells like a disgusting ashtray now as well. Ugh. I feel so violated! I went over and cleaned everything up the best I could, and tried to get rid of the smoke smell with lots of Glade and Febreze. Now it smells like a flowery ashtray. And the carpet? Not much I can do about those ugly black burns all over the place. *huge sigh*. I locked everything up tight, warned all the neighbors to watch out and call the police if they see anything funny going on, and I taped notes on the doors stating that the house was under watch now. Man, selling this house is turning into such a huge headache!! I just lowered the price by $20k last week, no offers yet in almost 6 months, and now this happens! Did I mention there are 4 other houses for sale within a block to either side of my house, including my next door neighbor? I can see that I'm going to get shafted big time on this deal - IF I manage to sell it at all! GAHHHH!! Come on, can the Karma Gods cut the stressed out widow a break here?? Pretty please?



9/09 - Just wanted to let everyone know that I finally got one of my most popular interactive Asia DVD titles back in stock on my Asia Stuffs Sales Page! Yay! It's in the middle section of the page - "Samurai Pervert 2" (Yeah, gotta love that title, LOL!!) You get three different interactive Asia scenes to play with - Asia the Nurse, Asia the Cheerleader, and Asia the Geisha! Good times! Check it out!!



8/30 - Look, I squeaked out an extra second of fame, LOL! I'm the answer to a trivia question in this month's issue of Rolling Stone Magazine! It's a 10-year tribute to one of the greatest movies ever - "The Big Lebowski"!



8/21 - My old house is still on the market, so every 2 weeks I stuff the lawn mower and vacuum cleaner into my Jeep, and take the kids back to our old house to do some mowing and cleaning. Unfortunately my old next-door neighbors also have their house up for sale too, and they're the kind of people you love having for neighbors - until you both have your house up for sale at the same time. They're an old couple with nothing better to do than mow their lawn in a perfect criss-cross baseball diamond pattern, sculpt their bushes into spirals, bleach their sidewalks once a week, and get up on ladders to dust the chandeliers every Thursday. Argh! And here I am, the single mom who drops in once every two weeks to mow the lawn as fast as I can, while trying to keep an eye on my 2 and 3 year old kids at the same time. I can't compete!!!

So anyway, this week I open the house up and let the kids play inside while I quickly mow the lawn. The house is empty, so they can't get into any trouble in there, right? HA!!! I finish mowing the lawn, and I'm pulling the vacuum cleaner into the house, when I hear panicked screams from the kids. I race into the laundry room and find Devin getting sprayed by the washing machine faucet, which is (obviously) not hooked up to anything right now. Little wiseguy turned it on, and now the laundry room looks like a swimming pool! I usher the kids out of the laundry room, and they track muddy little prints across the carpet into the family room. Devin lays on the carpet, bawling like mad, and I go to the car and come back with some baby wipes to clean his snotty nose.

Because there's no garbage can in the house, I toss the wipes into the toilet, and flush. Gurgle gurgle... oh crap!! The wipes have gotten stuck in the toilet drain! Do I have a plunger?? Of course not, the house is empty!! I say a prayer and flush again, hoping to force the wipes down. I succeed only in flooding the bathroom. GAHHHHHHH!!!

I tell the kids to "GO PLAY OUTSIDE!!!" while I quickly vacuum the floors and make a mental note to bring a toilet plunger and something to clean their muddy footprints off the carpet. Ok, all done. Wait, what's that sound??? I hear water running!!! I sprint to the front door of the house and see Catty playing with the hose - with the front door wide open... and the foyer is now completely flooded as well!!

Un-freakin-believeable. Between Catty, Devin, and myself, we managed to flood THREE DIFFERENT ROOMS!! OF AN EMPTY HOUSE!!! Do NOT hire the Asia Carrera cleaning crew for your place!! EVER!!

Please, please, please, don't let any prospective buyers come to my house before I can get back there with a toilet plunger, a mop, and carpet cleaning stuff... And remind me to bring neon colors of spray paint for my next-door neighbor's house, so I can make this house-selling contest a little bit more fair...

(Hey look, I managed to write a long story here on the bulletins page! Yay me! LOL!)





8/16 - Sometimes I write longer narratives about my life for the mommies' message boards I post on, but the format of my bulletins page (single paragraphs, center-justified) doesn't really lend itself to that style of writing. But if I think it's something you guys might find worth reading, I'll just link to the anecdote on another page. Like this! (Because I'm too lazy to mess with the coding on this page, LOL - it's been this way for over a decade, and this is how it's going to stay, dangit!



8/07 - Holy crapholio, thanks for all the birthday wishes, everyone! But you can stop now, LOL!! My email box is so full I have to scroll through pages and pages of "Happy birthday" subject headers! I don't think I will have the time to respond to them all, but they are certainly appreciated! Thanks for making me smile!! On another note, here's a shameless brag about my little genius, Catty! She has a real knack for doing puzzles. She's only three, but she does puzzles meant for kids five and older with ease. And she doesn't use any tricks like doing the edges first, or even looking at the picture to see what it should look like!! My loyal assistant put together this very cool vid clip of Catty in action. She's putting together a puzzle of the world map, but she has no idea what a world map is, and she never looks at the picture! She just DOES IT!! So cool... Me2 couldn't believe it, he just watched her in awe! LOL!!



8/06 - Happy birthday me! I'm 35 this year! I'd gripe about getting older, but hey, it sure beats the alternative, so I'll just be quiet! But I'm definitely glad I'm Asian - aside from the extra weight I've gained, my face looks the same as always. No wrinkles yet! Yay! No plans to do anything special today, since I've never been one to want to celebrate getting older. Blech! But my my loyal assistant dictator is visiting right now, and he's spoiling the kids rotten and keeping them busy so I can enjoy little luxuries like showering ALL BY MYSELF!! *gasp!* And jogging - WITHOUT THE DOUBLE STROLLER! *double gasp!* I've even been sleeping in an extra half hour in the mornings! Whoo-HOO!! Ahhhh, life is good... :o)



8/03 - Here is a completely gratuitous shot of my kittens Orange & Sunshine napping on my lap. May be a tiny bit NSFW (which means Not Safe For Work, ie: don't open with the boss looking over your shoulder) If you look very closely, you can see how I smuggle Devin's binkies around! Yay for hands-free carrying, LOL! (The only downside is when we're in public and I'll be carrying Devin on one hip, then he yells, "'KEE! 'KEE!" and yanks down the front of my shirt with one hand, and shoves the other right in between my boobs! DOH!!!)



7/25 - Imagine the look on my face when I woke up this morning, came out to the kitchen, and I found THIS on the kitchen counter!!! I've had a long history of sleep-eating. I'd wake up with wrappers around the bed, muffins on my pillow, smushed into the side of my face, and PB&J all over the countertops and fridge handles. (and don't get me started on when I was taking Ambien sleeping pills after Don's death - I gained about 30 pounds in 3 months from sleep-eating - that stuff is SCARY!!) But this is the first time I've ever tried to eat something inedible! ...I think. I HOPE!! When I saw the diaper, I was like WTH!?!?! Where did THAT come from?? And then I saw the mayo and a slice of turkey on it.... and then I remembered trying to shove the diaper in the toaster in the middle of the night. Then thinking, no... don't toast it... take diaper out of toaster and just eat it plain. Add mayo. Add turkey. Pick up, try to bite, no... put diaper down. Pick up just the turkey with some mayo and toddle back to bed eating that. I remember thinking about putting locks on my fridge one time when my sleep-eating was really out of control, but now it looks like I'll have to lock up Devin's diapers too?!?! AKKKK!!!



7/19 - Ok, here is the story of how Don got the last laugh on me, two years from beyond the grave. So a couple nights ago I was REALLY missing Don, in a bad way. I took down the urn from the mantel and curled up with it on the floor, pressing my face against it and bawling. Well the wooden pineapples on the urn were cutting into my face, so I opened the urn and took out the cardboard box that was inside and held that instead. After some more sobbing, I wondered exactly what was inside the box, because I had never opened it before. So I opened it. There was a clear plastic bag inside, and there were Don's ashes. I picked up the bag and stared at it in wonder. There was my husband. How surreal it was, to look at a bag of ashes and know that this was my husband. There was a metal tag twisty tied around the top of the bag with a mortuary number on it. I turned the bag round and round, as if I would be able to find some recognizeable part of him in there, maybe a tooth or something, I don't know. In a fit of grief, I clutched the bag tightly to me... ...and discovered that the bag was not, in fact, sealed. Yeah. A huge poof of gray ash flew up my nose, into my hair, into the air!! WHOOSH!!! I sat there completely stunned for a second. I mean, what the heck is one supposed to do in such a situation?? And then I suddenly had a visual of the scene in "The Big Lebowski" (AWESOME movie, and not just saying that because I'm in it ;o), the scene where they're throwing Donny's ashes(!) off the cliff from the Folger's can, and the wind blows the ashes right back in their face. And they're standing there covered in their buddy's ashes. Man, Don and I LOVED that movie! Loved that scene! And here I was, covered in Donny's ashes(!) I just started laughing and I couldn't stop! I laughed when I put the bag in the box, I laughed when I put the box in the urn, and I laughed when I put the urn back on the mantel. And now every time I look at the urn, I smile, imagining what my expression must have been like when I was sitting there looking like a volcano farted in my face! Somewhere, Don is laughing his a$$ off!! Good one, Don!! You always were the best at finding ways to make me laugh, but this time you truly outdid yourself!!!



7/13 - Well here's something I wasn't really expecting to say ever again - there's new merchandise available on my Buy Asia Stuff Page! (NSFW, of course ;o) Specifically, five really pretty 8x10's that my pals in the chat room helped me pick out. I gave them the difficult job of poring over nekkid pics of me and voting on their favorites. And these were the winners! I hope you like! :o)



7/9 - Have you ever seen the movie "Groundhog Day"? Bill Murray is forced to live the same day of his life, over and over and over... that's what my life feels like most of the time!! GAH!!! Clean the house, do dishes, do laundry, mow the lawn, do the yardwork, pay the bills, fill the web orders, answer the emails, feed/clothe/play with the kiddos, clean up after them and three cats, two fish tanks and a hamster, take care of the garden... I think that's about it. That's what my life is like, repeat ad nauseum! Just when I think I'm on top of things, I have to start all over again! There's always more messes to clean up, more poop to scoop, more weeds to pull, more bills to pay... Ah, the joys of being a single mom! The best part of it all was that I was pretty much just waiting for the kids to turn 18 and... then what? Well then I guess I can just die, 'cause my purpose here is done, y'know? I've had my career, raised my family... is that all there is? Nothing else to look forward to?!? Well finally, inspiration has struck! Once my kids are off to college, momma is going to pack her bags and go off to join the Peace Corps, or a similar organization! For real! I dedicated the first third of my life to myself and my career, the second third to raising my little family, and the last third will be dedicated to helping others! I am so excited about this! I won't be a useless person sitting around waiting to die! I will be able to dedicate myself to helping others, however they can use me! I'll be just as happy to work in a field doing farming (I LOVE gardening, I work on mine every day!) as I would helping people learn to use computers and gain marketable skills in technology! I've been reading the Peace Corps site all day and I'm just so excited about finding a purpose for my future! It's great to have something to look forward to again! Yay!



6/23 - Boy, nothing brings traffic to a site faster than posting a bare butt pic and saying you might be interested in dating again! Well at least for MY site, anyway - I don't guarantee it will work for EVERYONE ;o) I normally get about 4,000 hits a day to this page. Just my blog, not the porn site. That seems like a crazy lot of hits to me, especially since I've been retired for over 4 years now - when I try to imagine 4,000 people a day lined up in real life to read my online yammerings, it just blows my mind! But the other day I was checking my traffic history and I noticed this HUGE traffic spike, and I was like WTH? Who is linking to me and sending all this traffic?!? I literally got over 10,000 hits to this page in one day, and it took about a week and a half to settle back down to normal. Finally I realized the huge jump came the day I posted those makeup/cleavage/buttshot pics. Hahaha, now I guess I know how to get traffic up whenever I need to, huh? Well I really don't want that much traffic anymore. It's intimidating to think about that many people reading my words and looking at my fat butt. In fact, I think I'm just going to stop looking at the stats pages at all, because all they do is freak me out! I never was any good at being a celebrity. Oh, and please don't send any more resumes and bios for dating to me - I'm really, seriously, not ready to consider it yet. I thought MAYBE I was, but I poked my head out of my hole and saw my shadow, and I'm back in hiding for an indeterminate amount of time. Maybe it was the people who submitted nude pics of themselves that scared me back into my shell, hahaha! ;o)



6/15 - I've been vindicated on the saga of Dev's teeth! Don's sister-in-law (married to Don's brother) emailed me to say that one of her daughters had the same thing happen, but they just pulled her teeth out instead of putting crowns on them. So I was right, it is some weird hereditary thing with bad teeth on Don's side of the family. I still feel like crap that the poor little guy had to go through all that torture at the dentist's office of course, and I will be extra-vigilant with his dental hygiene now that I know he is prone to tooth decay, but at least now I don't feel like the worst mother of the year anymore. *phew*

oh p.s. Happy Father's day to me! LOL!



6/12 - Well when it rains, it pours, y'know? Today I had to wake the kids up early, drop Catty off at daycare, and then take Devin to a surgery center to be put to sleep for some major dental work. Four crowns on his front teeth. Poor little guy isn't even two years old yet, how on earth could he need crowns?! And only a parent can understand the fear in my heart while I sat in the waiting room, knowing my little boy was under complete anesthesia in another room. Ugh, I tried to read a book and look nonchalant while waiting, but when the nurse told me I could finally come in and see him, I went running full tilt to get to my little boy, and I just cried when I saw the condition he was in... ok I am too exhausted right now to retype what happened, so here is the story as I posted it on my mommies message board a few minutes ago. I also want to send a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has sent me sweet and supportive emails this week. I'm sorry my responses have been brief, but I've not been feeling my best, and so many of you have taken the time to let me know you care! It is SO VERY MUCH appreciated! I love you guys! XXXOOO



6/09 - I don't do this too often, because I simply don't allow myself to do it, but tonight for some reason I really just need to have a pity party. I'm just so tired, physically, emotionally, mentally. I wish I could get a break from everything for a while!! Devin is entering his terrible twos and goes from zero to screaming tantrum over EVERYTHING, a million times a day!! His sonic shrieks all day long are driving me insane! And both he and Catty refuse to go to sleep at the end of the day, when I'm dying for some peace and quiet. They find every excuse to keep fussing and whining and making me go tuck them back in again and again and again! The damn cat is having a field day living out in the country - just TODAY alone Milo has brought in one fat lizard, one scampering field mouse, and one big pigeon. Milo's kittens have learned how to poop, but not how to use a litterbox, so my closet smells like cat poop now, no matter how often I go in there cleaning up after them. There's nothing that freaks me out more than car troubles, because I know nothing about cars, and I rarely if ever have a working cell phone on me. So during our road trip out to Mile Marker 80, the plastic rock guard under my car fell off on one side and dragged along the highway, making a huge racket and scaring the bejeezus out of me while I drove down to Vegas at 55mph, praying the car wouldn't blow up before I could get help. The next day, one of my back tires went flat. Today I went to get that tire changed, and they showed me that both my front tires desperately needed to be replaced as well, because my front alignment is way out of whack. Great. So now I'm out $600 in tires, AND I still have to get the alignment fixed. This is all on top of the fact that I am very, very much missing my husband on the second anniversary of his death. I am an emotional wreck! I just need a break! A little me time! Oh yeah, I'm a single mom. I don't get me time. *sigh* Well, I gotta go, because I can hear Devin having a party in the bedroom, even though it is now an hour and a half past his bedtime. GRRR!!! He's lucky he's so damn cute! **wiping away tears for the second day in a row** Sorry for the pity party, but I really needed to vent, and I don't have anyone in real life to talk to. Thanks for listening!



6/08 - As we drew near the second anniversary of Don's death, I drove down to Mile Marker 80 with the kiddos to take some pics. On the drive home, I had "the talk" with Catty about her daddy. It did not go as planned. Anyway, our talk about Daddy's death made me realize that I've actually created a lot of confusion in her little mind, and not cleared anything up at all. I have no idea what the poor kid is making of all this! On the one hand I'm telling her "Daddy's dead", ie: "He can't move", but on the other hand, I'm telling her Daddy's flying around in the sky with wings now. Then I tell her "Daddy's in the sky; he's in the clouds!", but when we get home, I take the urn off the mantel and say "Daddy's in this box." She said "I want to see!" So I opened the box for her, but there's just a card signed by his friends from his high school reunion, and a sealed bag of his ashes. I'm sure Catty's quite certain now that her daddy is NOT in that box. Gah, it's all so complicated! Way too complicated to explain to a 3 year old, I realize now. And yes, I'm kicking myself for even trying, ok? But nobody handed me a lesson plan when Don died! I've never had to deal with the death of a close loved one before, let alone having to explain it to little kids in terms they can understand. Phooey. The kicker here is that I'm an atheist, so I had no business ever telling Catty that her daddy was up in the clouds to begin with. I'd always planned to be straight with my kids about everything, but when it came down to telling my 18 month old daughter that her Daddy was in a box, I couldn't do it! When people asked about her daddy, Catty would point at the sky and say "He's in the clouds!", which was cute and age appropriate, I think. Now it's getting a little awkward, because I guess at some point I have to explain that mommy lied, Daddy is NOT in the clouds, he's just here in this box. Ugh. Maybe next year. Damn, sometimes this parenting business is a hell of a lot harder than I'd bargained for.
*heavy sigh, wipe away tears*



5/27 - So as the 2nd anniversary of Don's death approaches, I thought maybe, MAYBE I was ready to re-enter the dating game. So I joined one of those online dating sites. I posted some recent pics of me and waited 24 hours. Some people looked, but nobody tried to contact me. Then I realized it's because I look like a bulldyke in all my recent pics - I never wear makeup and I always wear Don's clothes. So I spiffed myself up a bit and took some new pictures. Posted those, and 24 hours later I had half a dozen emails and some chat requests and winks and stuff. Now we were in business! But when I looked at the guys who responded, I was like, "yuk, no, ugh, no way, ew!" I had no idea what the proper protocol for online dating rejection is, so I just ignored them all. Then I started thinking, what if I DO find someone I want to get to know better? Am I supposed to leave the kids with a sitter all the time so I can go out on dates every weekend? That's so not cool! I don't even KNOW a babysitter - I've never done anything without at least one kid in tow! Anyway I got myself all freaked out and promptly cancelled my membership to the dating site. (so don't bother looking for my profile - I took care to remove it before making this post ;o) But hey, if you're curious, I will share the pics I took for my dating profile - this is the first time I have put on makeup since... crap, since before Devin was born! Two years! Anyway... One, Two, Three. And here are two pics that I definitely did NOT use in my profile - cleavage and my ever-expanding (NSFW!) BOOTY! Well I hope you enjoyed those, because it'll probably be another two years before I take any more! LOL!



5/06 - Just a quick update to say I have taken it easy the last two days and I feel fine now! AND, the DSL guy came this morning and hooked me n' Catty up!! WAHOO!!! All's right with the world!



5/4 - Hm, maybe I CAN'T do it all. Ever since the move, I've noticed that overexertion is giving me chest pains. The stress of trying to handle everything involved with getting set up in a big new place all by myself, coupled with being a single mom to rambunctious 1 and 3 year olds must be getting to me. I have NEVER had such hassles trying to get services and deliveries to a new place before (everyone from the post office to UPS and utilities insists I don't exist because they can't bring up my address, since it's a new house in a new development) and I can't even turn off the OLD services, because they're all in Don Lemmon's name. The old broadband company actually insists that they MUST speak to Don Lemmon, or I have to show up in person with documentation that I am authorized to handle his affairs. Well SORRY, but Don didn't think to leave me a signed letter saying "Hey in case I die today, please let Asia cancel my Baja Broadband account two years from now" GRRRR!!! ANYWAY, today I finished a long walk pushing the kids in a double stroller around our new scenic countryside, and when we got home, my chest was hurting on the left side. And my left arm was throbbing too. And then of course I'm going into a complete panic, thinking dear god, what's gonna happen to my kids if I die too? Which didn't help bring my blood pressure down any, y'know? So I took two asprin, drank a glass of red wine, and laid down on the couch with my feet up. Turned on a DVD for the kids and hoped they'd watch quietly. But being toddlers, no such luck. They were excited mommy was laying down, so they crawled all over me, pulling my hair and kneeing me in the solar plexus. Not relaxing. I tried setting them up with some toys, but of course they fight over the same toy, and then I have to listen to their screeching and wailing. Not relaxing!!! How do you tell toddlers, "Look, I need you to shut up and play nice so mommy doesn't die of a heart attack!!" GAHHHHHHH!!! Eventually the red wine and asprin worked, I guess, because I feel better now. But I was really scared for a while there. Because I have to be invincible. My kids NEED me!! I'm going to lay off of exercise and just try to conserve energy this week. No more unpacking and moving stuff around for a while. But if the DSL guy doesn't come with my !&@$^%$( broadband connection this week (after screwing me last week and saying they had no record of my order!!) all bets are OFF!!! Being stuck on dial-up is a HUGE cause of stress to a computer geek, dammit!! Ok, off to lay down and think soothing thoughts. Like "Only one more hour until the kids' bedtime!" Uggggghh!!



4/28 - Thanks to the help of my awesome friends who came out to Utah to help me unpack all my stuff, the huge task was completed over the weekend! Yippee! I am on dialup until next week though, which totally STINKS!!! AHHHH dialup blows chunks!! But anyway, I made a post showing some before and after pics on a mommy message board I go to, and my loyal assistant me2 was kind enough to copy the post in its entirety to a URL on my site so y'all could see it as well. HERE! (LOL I just realized this second that he titled the URL "castle.htm" - wiseguy!!)



4/23 - Moving day starts tomorrow! GAHHHHHHH!!! Tomorrow = professional packing day, then Friday we all get moved to new house, like it or not LOL! I am so stressed! How the heck am I gonna move all my fish?? Why on earth did I decide to get 2 pacus, which are now ridiculously huge?? Oh yeah, the pet store lied about how big they get. They said max - 12 inches. Truth? My pacus are 12 inches NOW, at a year old, and they can grow up to THREE FEET over the next 20 YEARS. Nice. I don't have a net big enough to scoop foot-long fish. I will have to try and snag them using tupperware bowls or something - it's gonna be a nightmare catching and moving my fish, I just know it! But happily for the fish, mommy has got them a brand new tank waiting at the new house, and it's HUGE! Catty was hella impressed with the new tank and all the castles it had in there! Oh, and my poor kitty Milo - she is heavily pregnant with her first (and only, I promise!) litter. She is SO not going to be amused at getting moved to a new house just days before she is due! But I know she will love the new area once she gets used to it, with all of the wide open spaces in all directions - no homes to either side of us! Kittycat paradise! :o) I would love to see the look on Milo's face when she sees her first horse though, LOL!! Ok I better go - I still have a million and one things to get done before the packers come at 8am tomorrow! Hopefully I will be back online by this weekend, but who knows... I'll let you know when we're settled into the new place! :o)



4/14 - Welp, we closed on the new house and we'll be moving in two weeks! My loyal assistant dictator will be flying in to help, and my ex-hubby Bud will be driving from L.A. with his new girlfriend, his son, and my friend Doghouse. I've got professionals booked to pack everything, and my friends will help me unpack - so hopefully my life will only be in boxes for about 4 days! I'm SO excited about moving to our beautiful new house! When I got the keys, I drove straight over to the house with Devin, and then ran around like a princess in her castle. I laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling and cried because I was so damn happy. YAY!!!!



4/04 - Exciting news in the land of Asia! We're moving to a new house at the end of the month! I invested every penny of Don's insurance money in the stock market, but the volatility of the past year plus the impending recession has made me want to hedge my bets a bit. So about 6 months ago I started looking for a new house, to diversify some of the money into real estate. And after looking at almost 100 different homes, I finally found our dream house! Thanks to the tanking real estate market, I got an amazing brand new home for a steal! It's just beautiful, and Catty begs me to drive out there practically every day, even though we haven't closed yet and I don't have any keys to let us in! Look at the VIEW from the kid's bedrooms! We're out in the middle of farmland, and the kids will grow up with horses, cows, sheep, goats, and even a fat friendly piggy nearby! I'm so excited about this move, everything just feels so RIGHT! How sad that Don had to die for his kids to be able to have everything he ever wanted for them - a wonderful home in a safe neighborhood with great schools... Thank you, Don!



3/25 - Whoever sent Catty the anonymous birthday present wrapped in pink princess paper, with a Children's Bible inside... well I am laughing my butt off. Good one! A bible for the atheist's daughter, how classic! But I had a children's bible as a kid, and it was some good reading, so yes, I will be reading the stories with her! Catty also wants to say thank you for the other gifts she got - she got lots of wonderful books from around the world, some really cute clothes, adorable puppets and a puppet stage, and some neat toys. And I want to give a very heartfelt shout-out to the soldier who sent me an official US flag that flew at a forward base in Iraq, with certificates and all. I got all choked up when I read what I was holding in my hands! What an amazing gift, THANK YOU!!



3/24 - Ok, I am officially weirded out! You know I'm an atheist, I'm not superstitious, I don't believe in anything the least bit non-scientific. But just a minute ago, as I was sitting here at my computer, working on stuff in the dead silence of night, Catty's doll starts talking. I nearly jumped out of my seat in a panic! What the - ?!? She said cheerily, "I love you soooo much! Muaah!!" (big kissy sound) I'm just staring at the doll, wondering why on earth the doll would say that when nobody has gone near it or touched it in any way. I've just been sitting here quietly typing at my computer for the past two hours! Then suddenly my eyes get pulled upward, and right there above Catty's doll, sitting on the mantel, is Don's urn. And he's smiling at me. Wow. [insert Twilight Zone music here] I love you too, Don! Muaaah!!!



3/21 - I miss Don. I hurt. 99% of the time I pretty much feel normal and ok now, but every so often there's something that just brings a memory of us together back so vividly, all I can do is curl up and cry. Don, wherever you are, I miss you. With all my heart.

Edited to add - If you want to know what set me off, I was reading the story of Motley Crue "The Dirt", and I decided to check out some of their videos on youtube to relive old times. I was having fun until I clicked on the last video I ever saw from them - I remember I was sitting with Don at his computer and we were watching it together. It was a good song, I do remember enjoying it at the time. But now it had a totally different meaning - the song is called "If I Die Tomorrow", and the words just cut too close to home for me. Ok, off to go cry some more.



3/12 - Thanks for the well-wishes everyone! We are finally feeling better! Yay! Oh hey, did you know that chickens poop eggs out of their butts to make baby chickens? It's true! Catty just explained this to me today after I made us all some eggs for lunch. Mmmmmmm... She just turned three a few days ago, and I already have to start explaining the birds and the bees to her? Oy vey! LOL!



3/07 - Would you believe we are STILL sick?!? Man, that flu really knocked me for a loop. After a week and a half of constant pain and no voice, I finally had to go on antibiotics to clear up the infection in my ear/throat. I'm FINALLY starting to feel better, but I am very weak. I have no energy to do anything. Not that I have a choice in the matter, with two kids who need me to take care of them. And although both of them had the flu before me, and recovered far more quickly than I did, Devin is now sick AGAIN, with a new strain of something-or-other. All I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep, and get better, but Devin has other ideas. For the last two nights in a row, he has crawled into bed with me and then puked all over me, the bed, the sheets, himself, etc. So instead of getting rest and getting well again, I am doing laundry at 5am. Happy happy joy joy. Now I see why people have respect for single moms. This isn't fun anymore. :o( Sorry for the pity party, but I don't have anyone else to bitch to LOL!



2/27 - Being a single mom isn't so hard most of the time. I'm actually quite proud of how well I'm managing everything. But then there's weeks like this one. I have the flu. Fluid in my lungs, fever & chills, terrible sore throat, the works. Catty had it last week and was kind enough to share it with Devin and me this week. For three days now I haven't done much more than take Catty to daycare, lay in bed, pick her up, lay in bed some more. The house is an absolute disaster. Trust me, you do NOT want to see what a house looks like after three days of not cleaning up after two toddler tornadoes. I look around and I just don't even know where I'm going to begin, I'm so sick, it's so overwhelming, and there's nobody to help. To add to the fun? I have company flying in from out of town this weekend for 5 days to help celebrate Catty's 3rd birthday. So I HAVE to get my a$$ out of bed and clean this house. Ugh. I am so miserable, there are no words. Tonight Catty said to me, "Mommy, can you read me a book when you done crying?" That only made me cry harder. Poor kids, I'm a lousy mommy when I'm sick. :o(



2/21 - Today I was sitting at my desk autographing 8x10's, and Catty walks in and says, "What you doing mommy?" I said, "I'm signing my name on some pictures." She says, "Oh, you writing 'Mommy' on there?" ROFL!!! I had this visual of me autographing all my merchandise with "Mommy", and I couldn't stop laughing! Imagine Bob in Idaho opening up his copy of "A is for Asia", and it's signed "Dear Bob, I hope you enjoy the show! Love and kisses, Mommy" HAHAHAHA!! Thanks for the laugh, Catty!!



2/20 - I decided to go back to gardening, so I can have some hobbies besides cleaning up after toddlers all day. I'm certainly no expert at it, but I had a nice little vegetable patch going on in our backyard before Don died. So I thought maybe the kids would enjoy helping me do a little gardening this year. Catty was great - she really got into helping mommy plant the seeds in little peat pots in our kitchen. We carefully watered them each day and opened and closed the blinds to give them sunlight during the day, but no cold air at night. After a couple weeks, our little sprouts grew, and the weather has been in the mid to high 60's lately, so I got ready to transfer our little sproutlings outdoors. Today I laid out fresh topsoil, and lovingly planted our little peat pot sprouts into the soil. I was halfway done, when I turned to see why Devin was being so quiet. The STINKER had a plant in each hand, and a pile of ripped out sprouts strewn around him! He'd been ripping each plant right out of the ground after I planted it! GRRRR!!! I saved what I could of his destruction, and hurriedly finished replanting the rest of the sprouts, because big black heavy clouds were rolling in fast. I was happy my baby sprouts were going to get some rain! Yay! I went inside and sat down at the computer. Then the winds whipped up, the sky darkened, and... we are having a HAILSTORM!!! THERE ARE HUGE CHUNKS OF ICE ALL OVER MY @*#^$@#$ PLANTS!!! WTF?? Right up until yesterday we were outside playing in t-shirts!! GRRRRRR!!! Oh well, so much for gardening this year. Guess I'll go clean up after the toddlers some more...



2/10 - If you like Asian babes (now why else would you be here? ;o) then here's a link to surf if you're bored - The Top 10 Sexiest Asian Babes in the World! No nudity, but probably not safe for work. But then again, if you're here at my site, you probably don't give a crap whether a link is safe for work or not LOL!



1/30 - We've been looking forward to the circus coming to town all week! The last time the circus was here was a week before Don died, so that's a bit of a sad memory for me, of course. But I wanted to prepare Catty for what we were going to see, so I opened up the pics from when we went to the circus last time and I showed her pics of Catty and Daddy riding a camel, Catty and Daddy feeding goats, Catty and Daddy looking at the elephants, etc etc. (Mommy always takes all the pics, so she's not in very many of them) Anyway, today I pile the kids into the car, and we set off to go see the circus! I say, "Catty, where are we going? Where are we going today?" and Catty shouts back, as excited as can be: "I'm going to the CIRCUS!! I'm going to see my DADDY!!! Devin I'm going to see my DADDY at the circus!!" I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was for me to explain to her that no, she's not going to see her daddy today. Or ever. I had to pull over to the side of the road until I could stop crying enough to drive again. But at least Catty still had fun at the circus. *sob*



1/25 - I was browsing around a second-hand shop for kids, and I found the cutest little dress-up outfit for Catty! She was running around and around the house, shouting with glee, "I have wings like Daddy! I can fly like Daddy!" Awwwww! Catty's dad may not be able to give her hugs or take her to a game, but she'll still have the coolest daddy in school, 'cause HER daddy has WINGS and can FLY, like SUPERMAN!! Considering he's been gone for literally half of Catty's short little life, she has a great relationship with him! She likes to call daddy on her toy phones to talk to him. She tells him all about what she's been doing that day - it's sooo cute! And when we're outside, like the other day when Catty was riding her new big-girl bike, (doesn't she look so very grown-up for a 2yr old? *sniff!!*) Catty will throw her head back and shout up to the sky: "Daddy!! Look at me!! I got a big-girl bike!!!" She handles having a daddy-in-the-sky very well. On the one hand, it makes me sad that Don only had such a short time with Catty, and never even got to see Devin at all. Especially since, minus the mutant white-blonde hair and blue eyes, Devin is an exact CLONE of his daddy!! (how proud Don would have been to have seen he had a son who looked JUST like him... I SO wish he could have met his little boy just once...) But ANYWAY, I am glad that Don died before the kids were old enough to feel pain over his loss. I am glad that the agony was mine and mine alone to bear. The children will grow up only knowing that their daddy is Superman - he flies in the sky and watches them from the clouds. Kinda like that God dude, eh? Hehehe! ;o)



1/11 - For your reading amusement if you're bored..."8 Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Geeks". Although I'm betting you're already familiar with the pornstar on page 2, who came in at #3 on their list ;o). Thanks to everyone who emailed me with a heads-up about it! :o)



01/02/08 - Two updates in one day! What is this world coming to? LOL, don't get used to it, ok? I'm just feeling chatty, hahaha! For those who have been following my journey since Don died, I just want to share this news - it is almost exactly 18 months since Don died, and I can finally say this. I have found happiness again. Just living my quiet little life in Utah, with my two children who I adore. They are all I need. A few months ago I wrote a bulletin about how I was depressed about being depressed. Well, now, somehow, I have finally reached the other side. I wake up feeling happy, and then I am happy to find that I am happy! Which makes me even MORE happy! I was afraid to jinx it by saying anything, but I've been consistently happy for over 2 months now, so I just thought I'd share the good news. I have seen the bottom of the abyss, and I am just so grateful to not be there anymore, I am grateful to not be crippled by sadness anymore, I am grateful that I am not any one of the millions of people on this planet with reasons to truly be miserable about their lives. I am grateful to be me, living in a nice home in a safe neighborhood, with the two cutest kids EVER, and we are all in the best of health. YAY!!! I really feel such a sense of closure to my grief, that I want to say, "Ok, I am shutting the site down now!" However, that would make me very, VERY sad to do, so I think I'd better hold off on that for now LOL ;o). Truth be told, there are three reasons I don't want to close the site down. One, I love the people in my chatroom, who have been my rock since the day Don died. Two, although I am not making a killing off my Merchandise Sales Page, it has been helping me pay the bills and not touch Don's insurance money, which has to last us forever, so that is a good thing! And three, after over a decade of these bulletins, (yes, I was blogging many years before there was such a word!) you probably have a good idea of how cathartic it is for me to share my thoughts with you guys. It's like being able to write into a diary that emails you back, saying, "Hey, I know how you feel! I've been there!". You guys have been a wonderful source of support for me through the years. Thank you. :o) {{{hugs to all}}}



01/02/08 - Whoops! I guess I should check my p.o. box more often! More thanks going out to Nicole, for the gorgeous handpainted ornaments of Catty and Devin! David, thanks for the wonderful kids' books you sent! David, thanks for the fairy story for Catty! Charles, the kiddos LOVE their Dora and Elmo dolls! (you don't mind if I keep the Elmo's volume turned off, do you? LOL!) Larry, thank you for the handmade ceramic bowl for Devin! And everyone who sent me Xmas cards, it's so nice that you thought of me and my little family this holiday season! I am so grateful to have fans that I truly consider my friends! Love you guys!!



12/26 - Between myself, me2, and my fans, the kids made out like bandits this year! They got tons and tons of gifts from everyone! Thanks to everyone who sent stuff for the kiddos, they love their monogrammed hats and stockings, the wonderful children's books, the kiddy computer, the toy fire engine, and the awesome interactive doll set for Catty! Catty's being such a good mommy, it's so cute to watch her taking care of baby dolly's every need! I had to laugh though, the demanding little doll cries and fusses about something or another every 30 seconds, and at one point it yawned, so Catty laid it down in bed, then the doll started to cry and said "Mommy, read me a story!" Catty got aggravated with the doll and said very sternly, "No Dolly! You need to SLEEP now!!!" LOL I was trying hard not to laugh until Catty turned out the lights and left me sitting in the dark in front of my computer, insisting "No lights! Dolly sleeping! Shhh!!" I've moved Dolly to a different room now. Damn if I'm gonna sit in the dark in dead silence all night because of Catty's doll LOL!!!



12/09 -I hope everyone is having a happy holiday season! We are! Catty and I have been baking Xmas cookies from scratch, and we even made a beautiful gingerbread house! It wasn't structurally perfect, but we had fun anyway, LOL! Oh, and it's official now, I have completed my transformation from pornstar to soccer mom! No more worrying about being recognized ever again, hahaha! I am officially a frumpy, frazzled mom of two toddlers, and I couldn't be happier! Being a glamorous pornstar was fun while it lasted, but I am glad I retired on top and can now grow fat and old in peace. :o) My kids love me no matter what I look like, so I don't need to get botoxed and plastic surgeried to death in a vain attempt to beat Father Time. I used to dread every birthday because it meant I was getting older and uglier. Now I'm looking FORWARD to birthdays, because the older my kids get, the more fun things we can do together! Yay! Have a wonderful holiday season everyone! Tons of love and hugs to you all!! :o)



11/18 - Not much to report, but thought I should say hi anyway :o). Emotionally I've been doing REALLY well lately, I really feel happy a lot of the time, ironically enough, ever since my post about "will I ever really be happy again?" So YAY for being able to wake up with a smile!! Today I got a wild hair up my butt to take the kids shopping for a (toddler-sized) Xmas tree, and then we had so much fun decorating it that Catty got all dressed up to take some pics with the tree, then we hung up stockings too, and then what the hell, I did the whole front of the house up in Xmas lights! That kids got such a kick out of it when the sun went down and I turned on all the lights for them! The looks of amazement on their face were well worth the cussing as I climbed all over prickly palm trees to hang the lights! Man, today was just a great day all around, even if it is kind of early to be prepping Xmas stuff. Seeing a beaming, happy face like this makes everything in life feel worthwhile!!



10/27 - Someone just reminded me that Disney is going to be building a resort right next to my timeshare on Oahu, so not only will that make it go up in value, but I have two little monkeys who will definitely enjoy going there in about 2-3 years, so now I feel much better about hanging onto it for a while. :o)



10/25 - I am so pissed off at the Marriott Timeshares! They suck huge amounts of donkey balls!! GRRRRR!!! Ok, rewind to when Catty was about 8 months old, Don and I took her to see Hawaii, where we made her. While we were there, we decided to buy a timeshare in Ko'Olina, where we used to live, so that we could come back to our favorite place in the world for 2 weeks every year. The nice salesman promised us that if we ever wanted to sell it, Marriott would help us, but I couldn't see why I'd ever want to sell it - I'd been going to Ko'Olina every year for ten years prior to that, and I planned to keep on going for the rest of my life! Well... fast forward to now, Don's dead, and I'm single mom to one and two year old kiddos. Travelling is pretty damn low on my priority list these days, and the timeshare has never been used, not once. So remembering what the nice salesman told us in the Marriott timeshare offices, I call them up and tell them I want to sell my timeshare. They act all concerned and ask why, and I explained my husband died and I can't travel with two kids so small by myself. They act all sad for me, and then inform me that they can't help me sell my timeshare. WHAT?? WHY NOT?? Well, "because the re-sale program won't be implemented until Marriott has sold ALL of their units first, and they have only sold 35% to date. But we'll be happy to put you on a waiting list for the resale program!". WHAT A CROCK!!! They've been selling timeshares there for like 6 years now, so that means they can help me sell mine in about TWELVE YEARS!! !#&$%!&#$ And I just did a google search on selling timeshares on your own, and basically, I'm screwed. I am going to lose my A$$ getting out of this, if I can get out at all! THANKS FOR THE SHAFT, MARRIOTT!! You have all been warned! Grrrr!!!!



10/22 - Every time I see the news and all those pictures of California up in flames I get tears in my eyes and a panicky feeling in my chest. I know all too well how all those people are feeling right now, after having been evacuated twice myself. Even though the last time was three years ago, the sight and smell of fire brings all the memories flooding back like it was yesterday. One day you see smoke rising up in the distance. Maybe a story appears in the paper. That night, you can see an eerie orange glow over the horizon, and you can't sleep because you keep checking to see if the glow is getting brighter every few minutes. In the morning huge dark clouds of smoke spread out like a nuclear holocaust, and you can see the water helicopters looking so tiny against the billowing clouds. You spend all day glued to the tv, watching for updates, but as night comes, you can see the flames licking up over the closest hillsides, and all you can do is cry. In the morning comes the call for evacuation, and you frantically grab everything you can fit in your car, while choking on the thick clouds of smoke, and feeling hot ashes pelt your face while you try and get your terrified pets into the car. And then you drive away, not knowing if you'll have a home to return to. I spent three days staying at a friend's house on the other side of the S.F. Valley, watching the news, crying, and spending the nights watching the flames you could see leaping into the air all the way across town. It's awful, just awful, to spend so long not knowing if you've lost everything. I would have much rather endured a couple more earthquakes. At least BOOM! they're over, and then you know where you stand and you can start picking up the pieces of the wreckage and regaining your sanity.

My heart goes out to everyone in California in the vicinity of those fires right now. My thoughts are with them, and I hope the nightmare is over soon, really soon!!

And my undying thanks to the brave firemen who managed to save my homes both times. They are true heroes!! I hope every one of them make it safely through this inferno!



10/17 - Tonight, I spent a happy evening just being grateful. For what? For you. For all of you! I looked back over the last year and really took some time to think about all the wonderful things you've done for me and my kids. I looked over the massive pile of cards you've sent over the past year (yup, I've kept every one, so the kids can see how much support there was for us when Daddy died!), and I stood in the doorway of the kids' room and I looked over all the gifts you've showered upon the kids this year. Oh my goodness! Toys, clothes, teddy bears, monogrammed purses, handmade blankets, photo pillows... some of the stuff is so nice I hung it on the wall instead of letting them play with it! Who would have ever thought a pornstar would have fans spoiling her kids so rotten? And who would have ever thought that a pornstar would have countless people from around the world banding together to form a network of support that has literally held me up through this past year! Your words, your kindnesses, your emails, your donations, your advice, every bit of it helped me survive this tragedy. I wish I could give every one of you a hug and say "thank you" in person. And then I'd show you how unbelievably cute Catty and Devin are in person, too! Hehe! ;o) But seriously, from the bottom of my heart, I love you all. You are like family to me. You've helped me through the darkest time of my life. Thank you.



10/09 - You know what's really gay? (besides my un-P.C. habit of using the word "gay" to describe anything and everything LOL!) I keep finding myself depressed about being depressed. I know I am clinically depressed. I mean duh, my kids don't have a father, and I'm going to grow old alone, who wouldn't be depressed about that, right? No big deal there, it is what it is. I don't sit around crying about it, but my life is pretty black and white and joy-free. I exist. I find myself very apathetic about most everything. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of living until my kids are 18 and my job here is done. I'm not happy or sad, I've accepted that this is my life, and I get on with it. But sometimes I remember what the old me was like, the one who woke up each day glad to be me, and excited to "seize the day", and I miss me. I know my kids don't know the difference; I make sure to do fun and special things with them every day, but still... I know I would have been a better mom to my kids if I wasn't so depressed. And that makes me sad. Not only did my kids get cheated out of one parent, but the other one is just a shell of what she used to be. I know I've healed a lot mentally in the last year; obviously I've come a LONG way from the agony my life was a year ago. I just wonder if I'll ever really be happy again, or if this state of apathy is as good as it's gonna get? Well I don't suppose anyone can really answer that question for me. Just thought I'd share what I've been feeling lately. Thanks everyone, for reading my blogs and being my shrink - you guys save me a lot of money by letting me vent here! LOL!! :o)